A Man's Steps

It never ceases to amaze me how the Lord brings the scripture I need at the exact times I need it. Like yesterday. You see, it has been a long week and a half. Last Tuesday, my doctor looked at me and told me I had multiple sclerosis and it was time to move forward with treatment. Before we could, though, he needed to test me for something obscure that he didn’t think I had but needed to rule out nonetheless. After 18 months spent searching and praying for answers, I had one. Multiple sclerosis. It was a lot to wrap my mind around, which I found surprising. Apparently, no matter how long you’ve been looking for answers (or how long you’ve suspected a certain answer), you’re never actually ready to be given a life-changing diagnosis.

After five and a half days of trying to process the news, I found myself sitting in the back row at church (like the good, little backseat Baptist that I am), listening to the guest speaker preach. At one point during the sermon he mentioned that the happiest place a Christian can be is in the center of God’s will. I disagree with it being the happiest place to be. But I do fully believe it is the best place we can be. I sat there thinking about his statement and asking the Lord if this diagnosis was a part of His will for me. And a deep peace settled over my anxious heart and mind. I knew I was in the center of His will. I knew that He would walk with me through this.

Fast forward to yesterday. I woke up only concerned about if I needed to try to drive into work through the nasty winter weather or if the university would close for the day. They closed and I was content to head back to bed for an extra hour of sleep before working from home under a cozy blanket while watching the wintry precipitation fall outside my window. I managed to get an extra hour of sleep, but the rest of my plans for the day flew out the window the minute I opened up my personal email before work. There was a notification in my inbox letting me know a new test result was available in my health portal. The blood test. I had completely forgotten about it. I logged into my portal expecting the results to be negative. After all, my doctor had looked at me and said that for me to have this particular disease would be like hearing hoof beats and finding an emu instead of a horse.

Well wouldn’t you know…I’m an emu. Or that’s what my blood test indicates.

It says I’m positive for antibodies indicative of Neuromyelitis Optica. NMO used to be categorized as a subset of MS but is now considered it’s own rare disease. So rare that only 4000 people in the U.S. have it, according to a site I looked at yesterday. I guess I would make that 4001, huh? My world turned upside down. I wasn’t expecting this. I wasn’t prepared for it. And I had no idea what this disease entailed. Over 24 hours later, I still have no clue what’s happening. And if I consult Dr. Google, it just tells me awful things. So I’m waiting for a call from my doctor and I will be pushing for more tests if he’ll approve them. The treatments for MS and NMO are very different and I want to be 100% sure we are moving forward with the correct one.

Right now, I’m holding onto the memory of that peace I felt Sunday night like I’m hanging off a cliff and it’s the only climbing hold within reach. A cliff of fear and uncertainty. But I sat down yesterday afternoon to read my devotions and was once again assured that I am in the center of God’s will. I know this because the devotional I read pointed me to the exact passage in Scripture I needed. Paul David Tripp had no idea when he was writing the New Morning Mercies devotional for February 4th how much I would need to be directed to Psalm 42 on Friday, February 4, 2022. But the Lord did.

In Psalm 42 we see David talking to himself while simultaneously pouring out his troubled heart to the Lord. I want to take you through the thoughts the Spirit brought to my mind as I read through this passage in the hopes that you can also find encouragement from this Psalm if you find yourself in the center of God’s will, but it’s painful instead of happy.

Vs. 1-2 – “As a deer pants for flowing streams, so pants my soul for You, O God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When shall I come and appear before God?”

“Living” is what stuck out to me most here. In 1 Corinthians 15, Paul discusses Christ’s resurrection and how there were some saying there was no resurrection of the dead. In verses 16-19 he says,

“For if the dead are not raised, not even Christ has been raised. And if Christ has not been raised, your faith is futile and you are still in your sins. Then those also who have fallen asleep in Christ have perished. If in Christ we have hope in this life only, we are of all people most to be pitied.”

Praise the Lord, this isn’t the case. Verses 20-22 go on to say,

“But in fact Christ has been raised from the dead, the first fruits of those who have fallen asleep. For as by a man came death, by a man has come also the resurrection of the dead. For as in Adam all die, so also in Christ shall all be made alive.”

Because He is alive, there is hope, no matter how hard life gets.

Vs. 3 – “My tears have been my food day and night, while they say to me all the day long, ‘Where is your God?’”

I don’t know about you, but I can relate to David’s sentiment in this verse. I can’t tell you how many tears I’ve shed in the past year and a half while struggling with my health. And my fear…my doubts…ask me where my God is.

Vs. 4 – “These things I remember, as I pour out my soul; how I would go with the throng and lead them in procession to the house of God with glad shouts and songs of praise, a multitude keeping festival.”

In the midst of pain and pouring out his soul, David remembers joyful times spent praising the Lord. He reminds himself of those moments when being in the center of God’s will was the happiest place to be. He reminds himself how his God is worthy of praise.

Vs. 5-6a – “Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise Him, my salvation and my God.”

After remembering his time praising the Lord, David instructs himself to hope in God. He reminds himself that his situation is not permanent. He will once again joyfully praise his God.

Vs. 6b – “My soul is cast down within me; therefore I remember You from the land of Jordan and of Hermon, from Mount Mizar.”

I honestly wasn’t quite sure what to make of this verse at first other than I was struck by the connecting word “therefore”. A cause and effect situation. David’s soul was cast down, so he decided to remember the Lord. To remember his salvation. I looked further into the verse in my study bible, where I found that this verse was significant because David was away from Jerusalem. Feeling far from God while he was in Jordan. Pain…grief…can make the Christian feel far from God. And when it does, it is of the utmost importance that we follow David’s example and remember our Lord in our season of trial.

Vs. 7 – “Deep calls to deep at the roar of Your waterfalls; all Your breakers and Your waves have gone over me.”

I feel like this right now. Like wave after wave is crashing over me. And each time I come up for a breath, I barely breathe in the air before the water overtakes me again.

Vs. 8 – “By day the LORD commands His steadfast love, and at night His song is with me, a prayer to the God of my life.”

The steadfast love of the God of my life doesn’t stop in seasons of grief and pain.

Vs. 9 – “I say to God, my rock: ‘Why have you forgotten me? Why do I go mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?’”

David is expressing his doubts to the Lord. But he doesn’t forget in that moment who God is to him. His rock. His rock amidst the waves.

Vs. 10 – “As with a deadly wound in my bones, my adversaries taunt me, while they say to me all the day long, ‘Where is your God?’”

My wound isn’t deadly, but my body is broken. We don’t know yet what disease I have, but I have one. And the fear and the doubts that come with a serious diagnosis taunt me.

Vs. 11 – “Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise Him, my salvation and my God.”

David ends the passage reminding himself again that God is his hope and salvation. The pain isn’t permanent.

Permanent. When my doctor told me last week that I had multiple sclerosis, that was something that came to my mind as I tried to process the news. The diagnosis gave a sense of permanence to the nerve symptoms I had been experiencing for the past 18 months. The hope, no matter how small it was, that these would go away some day was stripped away. Made permanent. Until I realized that they weren’t. Because my God is the living God. Because He is my hope and my salvation. And because of this, this broken body and broken world are not my permanent dwelling place.

Philippians 3:20-21 – “But our citizenship is in heaven, and from it we await a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, who will transform our lowly body to be like His glorious body, by the power that enables Him even to subject all things to Himself.”

2 Corinthians 5:1 – “For we know that if the tent that is our earthly home is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens.”

My body is broken. It was broken before these nerve symptoms started, and it is only continuing to break down from whatever condition I have. I am scared and I am discouraged. After all, this is a reminder of the frailty of my life.

Psalm 144:4 – “Man is like a breath; his days are like a passing shadow.”

But, O my soul, do not forget where your hope lies. My hope lies in God, my rock. In His infinite wisdom, He has allowed for this sickness to enter my life. He’s directed my steps to this moment and will walk with me through whatever comes next. And, friend, if you are His child, He will walk with you through the trials of life, too. Trust Him to direct your steps.

Jeremiah 10:23 – “I know, O LORD, that the way of man is not in himself, that it is not in man who walks to direct his steps.”