Take It To Jesus And Rest

It’s been over two years now. Two years of running full speed ahead looking for answers to the mystery that is my health. Two years of feeling scared and exhausted and lost. Two years of crying and trying to convince doctors to care about finding answers as much as I do. Two years of feeling like I’ll never have an answer. Two years of being scared of how this mystery disease will affect my future. How it will affect my dreams. But it’s also been two years of learning about the faithfulness of my God. Two years of learning the truth behind 2 Timothy 2:13.

“If we are faithless, He remains faithful—for He cannot deny Himself.”

Over these last two years, I’ve kept going back in my mind to a morning drive in 2018. Dad had just been diagnosed with cancer for the second time. Stage 4. I knew the moment I heard that doctors had found a spot on his lung that he wouldn’t win this round. It was like the Holy Spirit began to prepare my heart that very second for the day I would say goodbye to my dad 11 months later. I didn’t know it then, but He was also beginning to prepare me for the trial of my health that would come just a couple years down the road. On this early morning in my memory, I’m driving down the highway to my job at Goodwin College, listening to a Keith and Kristyn Getty song called “When Trials Come”. The second verse of the song says,

“Within the night I know Your peace

The breath of God brings strength to me

And new each morning mercy flows

As treasures of the darkness grow

As treasures of the darkness grow.” 

I had listened to this song many times before but it was like I was only just then fully hearing what Kristyn was singing. And I found myself asking the Lord to teach me what treasures could be found in the darkness of my dad’s cancer. Fast forward two years and I’ve found myself asking Him many times over to teach me what treasures could be found in the darkness of my mystery disease. These two questions are what brought about this blog. And the dream of maybe one day writing a book. Because He answered my prayer, and I want to share with the world what He’s been teaching me. And if I share the lessons, maybe one day someone will read about them and learn faster than I did just how worthy of our trust He is.

I cannot tell you how many times in the past few years I have told God that I did not like His plan for my life. That He was running it wrong. I had dreams. Dreams that included my dad. Dreams that included a body that functioned properly. In those moments of faithlessness, I wanted answers in my timing, not His. But despite my anger and distrust, He remained faithful and, for that, I am eternally grateful. He continued to break through those walls each time I built them up to show me something I needed to learn. He’s taught me about shifting my perspective to see that this trial is big, but my God is bigger. He’s taught me the importance of singing Hallelujah in the hallways of life while I wait for Him to open the next door. He’s taught me about the importance of remembering the hope Jesus brought to us when He came to the world as a little baby. A hope that can ease our weariness as we focus on the joy set before us. The joy of eternity spent with Him, when all things will be made new. He’s taught me how He is the One who directs a man’s steps. He’s taught me how important His Word is in combatting discouragement. In deflecting the arrows constantly being thrown by the devil through this trial. And now He’s teaching me how to rest.

I came close to an answer for my mystery disease at the beginning of this year and I was scared but relieved because I would finally be able to start treatment. And then the diagnosis was taken away and with it the hope of slowing the progression of the disease. I’ve traveled to the Cleveland Clinic down in Florida and to Mass General Hospital up in Massachusetts looking for an answer. Looking for a treatment. Looking for any sign of hope that we could prevent further damage to my body. And all I’ve found thus far is a theory. The theory that I have a disease that is very difficult to diagnose. A disease for which there are no FDA-approved treatments, just some medications that have shown promise in slowing the progression of the damage and maybe the possibility of remission. A disease that could be very serious but could also be self-limiting. A disease that comes with many questions.

This week I had multiple test results come back normal and was told by a doctor that she was pretty much done looking for answers for me. It was discouraging. I had figured everything would be clear since that’s been the pattern up until now, but I had still held out a small sliver of hope that I would find answers this time. And I certainly hadn’t expected one of my doctors to give up on me. I had built up my walls of anger and bitterness earlier in the week, but the Lord broke them down as I processed my doctor’s words. So I began asking Him what He wanted to teach me this time. And then I hopped onto Instagram and saw a that a friend of mine had shared a new song by Anna Golden on her account. The song was called “Take It To Jesus”, and as I listened to it, a deep confidence settled into my heart. The next lesson was going to be about prayer. My pastor had preached this past Sunday about spreading things out to the Lord in prayer. About going into detail. And I realized I haven’t been very good about taking the time to talk to my Lord in detail about everything. I realized it was time to learn what peace could be found in doing this.

And then I was talking to a friend today about everything that had transpired this week and she said, “The Lord is asking you to wait, I think. Can you surrender all the mysterious symptoms to Him for now?” And I realized that prayer was only half of the lesson He was going to teach me this time. The other half would be how to rest. I’ve slept plenty since everything started on July 8, 2020, but I don’t think I’ve rested. Not truly. I haven’t yet surrendered all of my mystery symptoms to Him. I haven’t surrendered my dreams and how they could be affected by this disease. But I need to.

Since the day before my first of many MRI’s, the Lord has used the rainbow to remind me of His faithfulness. Because if He’s been faithful to keep the promise that the rainbow symbolizes, then I can trust Him to keep every other promise He’s made.

Like His promise to work all things together for the good of making me more like Him.

Romans 8:28-29 – And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose. For those whom He foreknew He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, in order that He might be the firstborn among many brothers.

And His promise to never leave me.

Hebrews 13:5b – …for He has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”

His promise that, while everything around me may change, He won’t.

Hebrews 13:8 – Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.

James 1:17 – Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.

And the promise that His strength is made perfect in my weakness.

2 Corinthians 12:9a – But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.”

His promise that He understands.

Hebrews 4:15 – For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin.

And the promise that He is faithful.

2 Timothy 2:13 – If we are faithless, He remains faithful—for He cannot deny Himself.

And so, for the first time since this journey started, I have peace about waiting. Peace about surrendering the timeline for answers to Him. Peace that if I accumulate new symptoms or my current ones get worse, it would be because He has willed for that to happen and not because I didn’t look hard enough for an answer and a treatment. Peace about taking this time to slow down and learn how to rest in the middle of the storm.

Mark 4:35-40 – On that day, when evening had come, He said to them, “Let us go across to the other side.” And leaving the crowd, they took Him with them in the boat, just as He was. And other boats were with Him. And a great windstorm arose, and the waves were breaking into the boat, so that the boat was already filling. But He was in the stern, asleep on the cushion. And they woke Him and said to Him, “Teacher, do You not care that we are perishing?” And He awoke and rebuked the wind and said to the sea, “Peace! Be still!” And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm. He said to them, “Why are you so afraid? Have you still no faith?”

I’m still scared and my faith feels small right now. But it’s like fear and peace are holding hands. I can feel them both. It’s like I can hear Him saying to my anxious heart, “Peace! Be still!” Not because the storm around me has ceased, but because He is in the boat with me. And I can trust Him to keep His promises. I can trust Him with my health and dreams while I take the time to take a step back and learn what it means to be still and know that He is God. While I learn what it looks like to take everything to Him in detail and rest.

“This is a place you can rest for a while

If you need to just fall apart

Lay down your worry, He’s not in a hurry, take all the time you need

This is a place you can rest for a while.

…

When my questions had no answers and I couldn’t understand it

When my mind wouldn’t stop running and the tears just kept on coming

I didn’t have to explain it

He heard me before I could speak

Even now, I still take it to Jesus

Let’s take it to Jesus.” – “Take It To Jesus” by Anna Golden

Psalm 46:10 – Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!

Psalm 119:71 – It is good for me that I was afflicted, that I might learn your statutes.

2 Corinthians 1:20 – For all the promises of God find their Yes in Him [Jesus Christ]. That is why it is through Him that we utter our Amen to God for His glory.