Yet You Are Holy

I know You’re good, but this feels cruel.

This is what I told God the other day. After one new symptom, one subsequent ER trip, one urgent care trip, and multiple doctor’s appointments, I still had a distinct lack of information regarding what’s happening to my body. And I had doctors brushing me off and suggesting I could get tests done to try to figure it out but making it clear that they would think it was a dumb choice to do so. I was tired. My pride stung from seeing doctors who didn’t seem to care and who didn’t show any indication of understanding why I want to find answers. And I was angry.

I didn’t understand why God was continuing to let my body show signs of a disease, but not letting me find an answer to what that disease is. I have suspicions that my first MS specialist was right when he diagnosed me with MS, but the medical field rarely operates on suspicion and my doctor is no longer around. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wished he was still alive to help me navigate this. To bring that diagnosis back and start treatment. And, on top of no answers, my worst symptom for which I had been seeking treatment over the last couple of months was not showing signs of improvement. And, after dealing with this particular discomfort for three years, I was over it.

If He won’t give me an answer, can’t He at least take this one awful symptom away?

I met with a pastor friend of mine soon after I started wrestling with these questions and feelings. I asked how I could get to the point of no longer experiencing these strong doubts and emotions. God has brought me to the point where they’re my initial reaction but my heart softens after a few hours of processing. But I wanted to be rid of them completely, and I thought my friend would have the answer for that. He surprised me.

“I don’t think you’re supposed to avoid them.”

I’m sorry, what?

“Look at David. Look at how he wrestled with difficult questions, never hesitating to bring them to God, but always coming to the conclusion that God is good and He can be trusted.”

I’m a fallen human being. I’m made with the knowledge that life wasn’t supposed to be painful. I was given emotions. And I was given the Word. Psalms that clearly show David struggling with the same strong emotions I had been fighting.

My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, from the words of my groaning? O my God, I cry by day, but You do not answer, and by night, but I find no rest. - Psalm 22:1-2

I’m learning we can have emotions, but we have to express them like David did. You see, he didn’t sit in this place of frustration and doubt. He followed these emotions with praise and reminder of God’s faithfulness.

Yet You are holy, enthroned on the praises of Israel. In You our fathers trusted; they trusted, and You delivered them. To You they cried and were rescued; in You they trusted and were not put to shame. - Psalm 22:3-5

After expressing his frustrations and doubt, David praised the Lord. And he reminded himself of how faithful He is. How He can be trusted in the midst of deep confusion.

I still have no answers. But God, in His graciousness, has begun letting me see relief from my most uncomfortable symptom. And I’m in tears right now over how grateful I am. Over how humbling it is to be reminded so concretely how faithful He is to one of so little faith.

Friends, our Savior can be trusted and you do not need to hide your powerful emotions from Him. That’s a fruitless endeavor anyways since He knows our thoughts better than we do. Run to Him with your frustration, your fear, your doubt. And balance it all out with praise. He is faithful and will always prove to be so.

I did get past my hurt pride and request an MRI, which has been scheduled for the afternoon of September 18th. I’ll be lying in the best MRI machine in the state for a little over two hours, most of which will likely be spent asking God to please finally let a few lesions show on the scan. I know it may sound strange, but, friends, please pray for that with me.

While I fully admit I have not yet accepted not having an answer to what’s wrong, I have accepted that it seems this mystery disease is something the Lord will not be healing me of on this side of heaven. I’m okay with that and I’m at peace about it. However, I’m requesting prayer that I find an answer this month so I can start treatment. And whether or not that scan shows lesions, please pray with me that I will still come back to saying,

Yet You are holy, enthroned on the praises of Israel.

May we always strive for our Lord to be enthroned not just on the praises of Israel, but on ours as well.